Defensiveness is Offensive

As a rule, people (particularly those who have responsibility for providing some level of customer service) walk around with an enormous chip on their shoulder.

Woe be unto you (and/or me) if we encounter them when they are having a moment of low self esteem.

They are delusional in those moments. They hallucinate that the customer in front of them or on the phone, is the cause of all their angst and angry feelings -- both in this moment, and for all time.

I'd like to say that it is a relief to at last accept that it is not I who am triggering their awful, aggressive behavior and blaming. (Anyone who enters their bubble would suffer the same fate.) But the realization does not bring relief, because it does not predict that this awful behavior will now stop. It only brings me to a heightened level of understanding and awareness of this pervasive behavior problem that now colors every day of our lives.

This delusional aggression is a function of the insecurities -- shame -- that the worker is feeling around certain tasks and their inability to perform them comfortably at a level that the worker believes is necessary to please the boss and/or the customer.

So, to mask their shame, they wind up offending and blaming everybody else.

Ruining their own day.

Attacking and potentiating a fear response from the customer. Which can lead to the customer abandoning the business as an unsafe place to expect fair and proper treatment.

Harming the business.

And perhaps engendering stress-related health effects for themselves and/ or the others.

Carrying false beliefs about the expectations of others can also potentiate a whole range of additional problems:

Miscommunication.
Misunderstanding.
Mistrust.
Rejection.
Abandonment.

For starters.

A solution is to shift our focus toward managing our expectations of ourselves and others, within the bounds of what we know to be true.

The sum total of that might be:
- I know how to do my job well and competently.
- There is a person in front of me who needs my help.
- Asking that person what they need.
- Carefully and actively listening -- without interrupting -- as the person expresses their needs.
- Taking note of emotions (mine and the other's) BUT
- Not interpreting them. Instead, e.g., asking if they are feeling upset about something I have done or said. THEN:
- Asking what I (or we together) can do or change to make it work better for them.
- Taking their response seriously, and applying it to my behavior toward that person, and in the performance of my duties in relation to that person.
- Doing the best I can to perform my duties in a professional manner, AND, AT THE SAME MOMENT, to respect and honor the needs of the other person.

(All of the above also applies to abominable behavior in all kinds of interpersonal relationships.)

(Originally posted on Facebook May 27, 2015)