Stop Frown-Shaming

You have no idea what that unhappy person is dealing with. And if you had to carry that load -- you have no idea what it would do to you and your attitude (or anything else.)

Instead of saying:
"How are you?" (You're not going to listen to the answer anyway, and if you do, you will more than likely judge it as not worthy or real;)
or "Smile."
Try "Hello." or
"Good morning."

Those last two aren't laden with judgement, or demands for a programmed response from the other person.

If you want to hold the door open for somebody -- do it for yourself, and don't let it slam in the face of the person behind you.

It is rude to expect someone to appreciate a gesture that they didn't need and don't want.

If someone doesn't take you up on your waiting for them to pass, then move on and leave them alone to whatever they are dealing with. You are probably making it worse by intruding on their thoughts and the difficult choice they may have made to just show up and not give up.

(And for Pete's Sake: learn the traffic rules and stop waving on other drivers or pedestrians when you are obligated by law to take the right of way. You may get somebody killed by your improper attempts to be courteous -- when what you are being is presumptuous and rude.)

Got that off my chest.

Anger and sadness are normal emotions that result from living life fully. Disappointment is a major element of a life lived authentically and truthfully. 

Get off other people's backs when they are down in the dumps. Let them be. Be available if they should seek you out for company. You will be glad you did when they return the favor some day.

I've got other stuff I've been carrying around since time immemorial, and I may be dumping some of that out here, too. I am done with allowing people to shame me for being decent, thoughtful, kind and the wonderful person God created me to be. I'm a crab because other people criticize me constantly for being myself -- while their ignorant behavior and chatter reveals that they certainly do not have this living thing figured out.

Myself is all I can be. I like the whole of me. And I am sick of being shamed by people who can't hold a candle to the wonderful stuff I have brought into this world -- including my two delightful children, and a positive attitude towards all kinds of work and challenges.

So what if I'm not cheerful every minute? I am dealing with important matters.

Mind your own business.

(Originally posted on Facebook April 27, 2015)

Insurance that Premiums are the Fee Charged for Preventing You from Getting Healthcare

(I just sent the following letter to my Primary Care Physician.)

I am very upset.

I just got off the phone with Humana. Here is what they told me:

They are supposed to be sending you a drug-specific form for the Ergocalciferol.

They are REFUSING to provide me with the Medicare-mandated 30-day supply of the drug.

I cannot at this time afford to buy the drug myself, as I do not have any money. (A 30-day supply costs $1 less than a 90-day supply based on the reply to Target from Humana.)

They are denying the drug based on a very broad reading of the Medicare rule on the drug that says (paraphrasing) that the drug is not covered for SOME CONDITIONS, which are not specified.

It appears to me that these insurance companies are denying coverage arbitrarily, in the belief that no one at the government / Medicare, etc. will stop them -- regardless of what the law says. They believe they can get away with it. And if they kill all the poor people in America in the process, they will be dancing and singing even louder.

They are simply doing this to avoid paying. To save a few bucks. They don't care if I die or go blind. (I am having growing problems with blurry vision.)

It is the same problem that I had to fight to get my cervical spine surgery last year through Rocky Mountain Health Plan. As you will recall, I had to appeal in front of an Administrative Law Judge to get that decision changed. And it took most of a year to do it.

I think they figure they can get away with it this time because it is a small dollar amount. But that, in fact, is what makes it even more horrifying. The only people who are hurt by such decisions are those who are already in desperate financial straits, as well as in need of immediate care.

The people at Humana (and the other insurance companies that engage in such heinous practices) are from the Devil. The evil that they do is the worst kind. They want to hurt and kill those who are unable to protect themselves.

They want to pretend that the Vitamin D deficiency is something that can be addressed or not on a basis of personal preference. They are deliberately and overtly ignoring the literature on the effects of certain vitamin deficiencies on overall well-being, specific health problems, and life expectancy.

They want to pretend that the people who can't afford to choose what they want to call the "preferential option" due to poverty, simply do not deserve to have the treatment. They want to reserve it only for those who can pay.

I don't know if you will take this seriously enough to help make sure that they will cover the drug for me, as even without prescription medicines, I am already unable to cover my basic expenses on the income I have, which is entirely from SSDI. (And my rent is very low by present-day standards.)

I need your help. I can't get my medicine without it.

(Originally posted on Facebook May 15, 2015)

The Courage to be an Individual: Identity Development

I'm going to say that Lacan is wrong.

In terms of identity development.

He seems to assert that identity is universally formed by response to shaping and instruction from other people -- including the image of ourselves in the mirror.

That idea certainly appears to form the basis of the tabula rasa method of parenting most widely employed: Beat the uniqueness out of children. Make them fulfill the wishes and ideals of one or both parents. A good daughter is pleasing to men: one who knows how to buy and wear clothes, and is willing to subjugate her desire for intellectual fulfillment to the wishes of a man -- (almost) any man.

I'm going to assert that, for at least some people, identity seems to be inborn -- much like a sensitive nervous system that allows the possessor of it to see more distinctly, taste more exquisitely, feel more intensely, hear more keenly. (Who knows? Perhaps the two phenomena are married in these unusual individuals.) These are the people who appear to have a different take on the world: an artist among technical people, a literary mind amongst laborers, a woman who chooses to focus her attention on the phenomena she observes around her rather than the adorable high heels that pain her feet and inhibit her movement, tripping her up regularly.

It is uncanny that -- having been considering the problem of how other people consistently, forcefully, and insistently attempt to manipulate, intimidate, influence, shame, and otherwise persuade to conform to societal norms those whose behavior and other preferences are unusual -- that I should stumble across Lacan's response to Freud. I approached it from the end rather than from the beginning.

As a rule, humans, who are socially programmed for arrogance -- rather than welcoming the other, and making themselves open to learn who that person is, and what wisdom and joy that person brings with them to share and thereby enrich the lives of both the family and the community -- blindly forces their narrow views and experiences on the newcomer. 

Everyone loses from this process. The children who bring a different perspective are emotionally (and often physically) harmed by it. The family and the community misses out on the benefits of allowing uniqueness and new thinking to flourish. And all kinds of evil eventually results. (In place of the beauty that might have.)

Some families seem to foster the development of individuality. Most don't. And the likelihood of the force-feeding of custom, tradition, and narrow belief on a child appears to be greater as the financial and social resources of the parents decline.

To understand that the pervasive presumption that children (and adults who live outside the norms) need socially programmed others to harass them into conformity -- whether they are parents, medical or other professionals, or just busy-bodies masquerading as would-be friends -- is not the positive thing that it is cracked up to be, might go a ways to explain why most people continue to believe that it is essential to keep up with the latest fashion, watch reality TV by the hour in order to be aware of the common gossip, etc., in place of what they might do with their resources if they ever developed their own interests apart from those dictated to them by others. 

And it also could point to the foundations of the culture run amok that has already undermined many of the ideals upon which the U.S. was founded: the folks who are most strictly conformed to the social norms are the ones who are heading and running the corporations that are daily bleeding the last drops from our economy; they are our congressional representatives; they are the behind-the-scenes politicos; they are the kingpins of the black market; and they are the ones profiting most from the 24-hour gossip, self-promotion, and shame culture that has supplanted traditional journalism.

(Originally posted on Facebook May 18, 2015)

Defensiveness is Offensive

As a rule, people (particularly those who have responsibility for providing some level of customer service) walk around with an enormous chip on their shoulder.

Woe be unto you (and/or me) if we encounter them when they are having a moment of low self esteem.

They are delusional in those moments. They hallucinate that the customer in front of them or on the phone, is the cause of all their angst and angry feelings -- both in this moment, and for all time.

I'd like to say that it is a relief to at last accept that it is not I who am triggering their awful, aggressive behavior and blaming. (Anyone who enters their bubble would suffer the same fate.) But the realization does not bring relief, because it does not predict that this awful behavior will now stop. It only brings me to a heightened level of understanding and awareness of this pervasive behavior problem that now colors every day of our lives.

This delusional aggression is a function of the insecurities -- shame -- that the worker is feeling around certain tasks and their inability to perform them comfortably at a level that the worker believes is necessary to please the boss and/or the customer.

So, to mask their shame, they wind up offending and blaming everybody else.

Ruining their own day.

Attacking and potentiating a fear response from the customer. Which can lead to the customer abandoning the business as an unsafe place to expect fair and proper treatment.

Harming the business.

And perhaps engendering stress-related health effects for themselves and/ or the others.

Carrying false beliefs about the expectations of others can also potentiate a whole range of additional problems:

Miscommunication.
Misunderstanding.
Mistrust.
Rejection.
Abandonment.

For starters.

A solution is to shift our focus toward managing our expectations of ourselves and others, within the bounds of what we know to be true.

The sum total of that might be:
- I know how to do my job well and competently.
- There is a person in front of me who needs my help.
- Asking that person what they need.
- Carefully and actively listening -- without interrupting -- as the person expresses their needs.
- Taking note of emotions (mine and the other's) BUT
- Not interpreting them. Instead, e.g., asking if they are feeling upset about something I have done or said. THEN:
- Asking what I (or we together) can do or change to make it work better for them.
- Taking their response seriously, and applying it to my behavior toward that person, and in the performance of my duties in relation to that person.
- Doing the best I can to perform my duties in a professional manner, AND, AT THE SAME MOMENT, to respect and honor the needs of the other person.

(All of the above also applies to abominable behavior in all kinds of interpersonal relationships.)

(Originally posted on Facebook May 27, 2015)

Setting Priorities: My Feelings or Your Feelings?

(The image above, that triggered this post, was posted
on Facebook by Introverts Supporting Introverts)

Yeah.

So many people interpret this behavior as hostility or rejection, or cold indifference, instead of realizing that an introvert is afraid of BOTHERING other people. They want and need help, and friends, but they fear most of all INTRUDING on the peace of another person.

Projection out of our own experience is the most awful tunnel-vision that blocks us from getting to know the wonders of other people.

So Extroverts discount Introverts because they think they are cold or hostile, and Introverts distance themselves from Extroverts because they fear they may be interfering in the other person's life.

Hmmm.

We need to get out of ourselves more -- both Introverts and Extroverts -- and think about somebody besides ourselves. If we did, the world might be a friendlier place.

I am not suggesting that would be an easy task for anybody.

Focus on the needs of others is the foundation of Christian love. Focussing on our own feelings and preferences keeps us at a distance and precludes mutual understanding and friendship.

Hmmm.

Tough task. 

Especially since we have come to expect that other people keep account of OUR feelings.

Truly.

Whole political movements are based on that very notion.